been feeling inadequate
Recently feeling really stupid. I most definitely bombed my physics and maybe my math test. But that's in the past, not much I can do about it now. I also stopped playing volleyball 3-4 times a week and it's quite depressing. I miss the exhilaration of getting a good pass, the thrill of playing and feeling yourself improve. On the other hand, I don't miss feeling inferior, guilty, and constantly pushing myself to improve. I don't miss the aching in your heart that makes you continue to practice despite not knowing if you'll ever really improve to the extent you want. It was exhausting to constantly compare and push myself just to achieve next to nothing in the end. I was sick of being evaluated, sick of feeling inferior, sick of not being enough for any coach; even the ones who knew me and how hard I worked. Yet I can't blame them, especially since there were players with far more skill than I have. In the end, I just have to accept that I'm not good enough and that it's not worth me wasting my time, resources, etc. to continue chasing this sport. (or I could continue chasing it. but that just feels hopeless right now)
Although my skill improved, nothing significantly changed in terms of my in-game performance. Maybe I rose from level 1 to level 4, but it's not nearly enough to compete with those who've played since 3rd grade. The painful thing is that I love playing it; it's where all my problems disappear and I get to drown in endorphins.
Sometimes, I wonder if the reason of my mistakes is all in my head. That maybe if I never think about anything while playing, I'll magically become really good. I'm conflicted and exhausted.
thanks for reading