copium
These days, I've been feeling more and more like an uncharismatic bum. Watching my friends choose someone else makes me feel like a second choice and it hurts. During these times, I find myself coping by romanticizing the idea of being alone.
After all, if you internalize your self worth, no external events will affect it. Regardless of whether you see your friends diverting into groups as you walk on the sidewalk or see them prefer to spend time with someone else, you will be able to retain the same sense of self-worth.
I've noticed this more and more, and I often find myself creating a social hierarchy or different levels of how people see me.
When I was in Chicago, I got to truly enjoy my own company. It was a newfound sense of independence, yet I remained lonely and started missing my friends who understood me. I truly did enjoy being by myself and experiencing my own thoughts.
I realized that constantly meeting new people wears me out. I don't have the social battery for that, and when people start yelling or being wild, all I want to do is go home or participate in a hobby by myself.