sugarforbrains/糖换脑

great minds think alike and fools rarely differ

This morning, in my united states history class, I felt quite helpless, annoyed, and insecure. It was because R was talking with other people, laughing quite happily. R is like the sun: bright, happy, sunny. But you can’t hog the sun all to yourself; you’ll look crazy. I’ve realized that I can’t keep attaining validation from my friendships, thinking, “I’m so charismatic! My friends love being around me!” whenever I make my friends laugh (making people happy is still very fulfilling). It’s slightly narcissistic, but maybe searching for validation is also just part of human nature. I can’t keep relying on R to make me feel like an intelligent, charismatic person, when R is the one with the most practical intelligence and insane levels of charisma.

For club time, my friend and I went to Forensics Club. They brought up the quote, “Great minds think alike, but fools rarely differ.” I was questioning, maybe I’m a fool? I don’t quite have opinions on our discussions in US history and I just nod, agreeing with my friends. It’s not that I’m stupid, in the academic sense at least, I have a 4.0gpa and I work hard for my grades. Yet I’ve recently discovered my lack of opinions and awareness about history and maybe even the world compared to my peers.

I’m starting to question if it’s purely out of my lack of curiosity or the fact that I might be sheltered. I don’t think I’m sheltered. I’ve grown up in an Asian, immigrant family that came here from China. I’m a second gen immigrant, but I live quite a comfortable life: whenever I come home from school, my mom makes snacks for me and we watch TV together, I’m middle class and I get an allowance that is much more than I need (mostly spent on gas and groceries). Then, I almost always have homecooked meals for dinner. In no way am I lacking in familial love.

However, when I was younger, my mother would often break down. The pressure of being poor, my father working, and having to take care of a child by herself might’ve been too much of a burden for a young woman freshly in America. In a hazy memory, I remember my mother raising a fist against me while I was on the cold, hardwood floor. She exclaimed with glassy eyes, “Don’t make me do this. I don’t want to do this.” Other times, after a period of giving us the cold shoulder, things would return to normal: unconditional love, homecooked meals, and regular conversation. I remember 3 occurrences of my mother breaking down, each caused by a bitter pain of feeling constricted to taking care of our family.

My mother is a smart woman. She has a master’s in sociology, a bookshelf filled to the brim, and she is an award-winning Chinese author. She has so many fun facts, so much knowledge about geography, history, the economy, and she’s simply a very smart woman. My father has a PhD in mechanical engineering, although he was largely encouraged to get it for the sake of immigrating to America and earning money. I feel as though I can’t compare to my parents or my friends who seem to have immense practical knowledge. I feel stupid. I have neither strength in mathematics nor current events/political/historical/animal knowledge R has. My strengths are in English and art, sure. But how far can I get when I’m feeling so lackluster in other areas?