I got drilled in the face and I don't know how to feel about it
That friday was cool and airy, that friday was where I got drilled in the face at volleyball practice with a sense of inferiority climbing. I hate feeling inferior; that degrading air as you're evaluated on how good you are and compared to every practice. Being analyzed on your skill, shoes, and the overwhelming need to prove yourself.
I knew something was wrong with me that Friday because all I could do was think about my mistakes, my inferiority, and how all my progress slowly fizzled out under pressure.
When my coach started explaining mistakes to my team, I listened and maybe spaced out. I was blissfully unaware that the girl on the other team had launched the ball with a "boom" going atleast 45mph.
All I felt was a sharp, startlingly bad pain. My eyes had become glassy out of the stinging sensation pervading my face. I felt that there must have been an alarmingly red circular marking in the middle of it. I was seeing stars, like one of those old carton characters with ducks circling their head. I didn't cry, but I did feel a tear start running.
I'm not sure what I felt as I wiped the tear off. Maybe it wash shame or humiliation? It was that feeling of generational aura debt (gen z slang), so probably embarrassment. In my mind, that moment had proved to everyone that I was inferior despite my older age. Cringy and ridiculous in hindsight, yes.
While it was the other girl's mistake for not paying attention to what was happening on the other side of the court, I'm still not over the embarrassment or sense of humiliation? It should be irrelevant, but I have GOT TO LET THIS GO.. I don't know, volleyball is such a mental game and I'm exhausted.
I still have to go to practice this friday. I'm just gonna get over it. If volleyball really does build resilience, I'm growing plenty resilient. 😭